Need some DIY sex ed? Your monthly installment of “Ask A Sex Goddess” is here to help. And help you get off.
Consider Alexandra Roxo your cosmic guide on this voyage of women’s sexuality—a shame-free and magical safe space, to talk about anything and everything sex-related.
Nothing is off limits here, you guys. Post your biggest sex and sexuality-related quandaries HERE for a chance to have them answered by Alexandra, our resident Sex Goddess, next time. Commence the queries!
My boyfriend stopped having sex with me about a year ago and it lasted for six months. Not only did he not speak to me about it, he denied that anything was wrong. For me, who usually had huge libido, it was terrible. Also we lived together and I wanted him everyday but was constantly rejected.
Now it has been eleven months since the last time I had at least satisfying sex with him. We’ve tried really hard to get the passion and sex working again, but it just wasn’t the same anymore. I felt cold and unemotional, unattached and lifeless. I didn’t feel the same. Now I’m away for two months, visiting people in my home country, and the distance doesn’t help.
We love each other a lot so we don’t want to give up easily. Could it be that I just stopped wanting him? What happened to me? I’m only in my twenties.—Now and Then
Hi Now and Then.
I’m so sorry to hear this. I know this sucks and I want you to feel held and heard, first and foremost. You’re in your 20s and you deserve to be feeling good and having fun! And, since you’re in your 20s, I would ask first “What’s keeping you in this relationship?”
You’re young and free and your ’20s can be such a great time to find oneself sexually and empower yourself to become the woman you are through travel, projects, adventures and all the fun things! What truly is keeping you in this relationship? If it’s love, yes I hear you, but love is possible with many, many humans. And it’s a fault of religion and the patriarchy to make us think we must hold onto love for dear life, like we will never get it anywhere else again! That is SO not true. Sometimes love comes in for a year or two, or five, and then they are donezo. While that’s not easy, that’s okay! Personally, if I had stayed with my first love, I would have never learned the lessons from two and three and four.
Only you can discern the difference between “Is it my shit?” or “Is it the relationship?” So soul search deep for that one. Consult tarot. The clouds. Meditate on it. Don’t ask all your friends. Look inside. If the answer is “It’s you girl!” then consider embarking on some exploration with your boo to turn over a new leaf. But honestly, it sounds like you have tried this path already. You know best.
Maybe you’ll take a few years find yourself, blossom into a butterfly rainbow goddess, and come back together with your current love. And maybe you won’t. But living in suffering doesn’t seem like it’s helping either of you right now. You deserve to live a full life of joy and orgasms and sexy glances across the room and SO MUCH MORE!
Hi girl! I know that I haven’t always been attracted to girls both emotionally and sexually. Now, I’m sorta open to exploring, since I’m curious to get to know women that way. But I’m not really sure if this is just because I want to be more empowered or because I’m simply curious? SOS! Thanks.—Gal Friend
Hi! The first question I want to ask is, ”Does it matter?!” Is someone standing over you right now saying “tell me what you mean ASAP!” I bet not. The first thing I recommend is getting rid of the voice inside that wants to know and figure it all out. This voice will sabotage your fun! The only thing that we have is the present moment. Take a second to feel into your body when you think about going on a date with a hot woman. Breathe into your belly and heart. Close your eyes. How does that feel? Get out of your head.
Love and sex can begin in the brain but honestly, most people would be with me in saying they begin in the body. A feeling. Your brain (that wants to figure it out) may prevent you from the most fun you’ve ever had. All you can do is be honest with yourself about what you feel in the here and now. Does the idea of dating women feel good? Then go for it.
That being said, if you are purely looking for “empowerment” and you go out with a hot lesbian and say “I am looking for an empowering Goddess experience!” she may slap you in the face. At least metaphorically. I would also look at where you can begin to empower yourself, and look within you for the energy you seek. Can you make a Pinterest board full of juicy Goddesses that inspire you? Start lifting weights to feel stronger? Study a practice or tradition in your lineage that connects you to your female ancestors? Watch films about strong women? Join a women’s moon circle?
When we look to someone else to fulfill something in us, we can often be left feeling like crap. So cultivating that energy in yourself first and foremost is powerful. And likely from that place you will attract other people with a similar vibe.
Curiosity is often a wonderful guide. So why not do both? Have a few dates—but be very honest on your dating profiles. Say “I am bi-curious and exploring,” so you don’t cause suffering for another woman. And then spend some time diving into you own empowerment.
What is your advice on a relationship where one partner has a strong foot fetish and the other doesn’t? I’ve let him do whatever he wants to my feet, but it’s no longer enough. He wants to do things with other (professional) women’s feet. He’s explained that it’s only about the feet and nothing more, but I️ don’t think I️ could live my life with him having to go fulfill this need with someone else, even though it’s paid for.—Foot Frustrations
Bravo to you for being open and accommodating to your partner. I would say there need to be some boundaries in place for you to be able to feel safe here. If we were in a one on one session, I would ask a few things to get the lay of the land, like ”Do you guys have an open relationship? Is this the only thing that happens outside the relationship container of monogamy? Or are you poly?” If you are poly and have things open and flexible, that’s one thing.
However, if you are monogamous except for this, then it doesn’t seem fair that he gets to go see doms and you are sitting at home biting your nails! If that is the case, I would sit down and get some specific rules in place. Try reading the poly classic The Ethical Slut or the book Opening Upwhere you can find creative ways to make boundaries and rules so you can feel safe in the relationship. Esther Perel has a TON to say about this too.
If after pondering, you still feel it’s a hard “no” from you, then I would consider that it may be a difficult challenge to overcome over the years. He may get resentful if he is unable to play in the ways he wants to. I know that’s not fun to hear. But sometimes we do just have to accept someone for who they are and realize we all have an inner freak, and if we repress them they get gnarly.
So ultimately, you have to be able to make rules that feel good to you. And if gets to do his thing, I would highly recommend you do as well. Even if it’s a night a week to do something private and solo, or have a date, or explore an erotic class. You both getting one day a week to explore solo could even result in a sexy homecoming, where you share stories and have a renewed passion and a fresh outlook on things. Good luck!
Alexandra Roxo works with clients one on one in person/online and can be found here and here.
For further information relating to your sexual health, be sure to personally consult with your doctor or a registered sexologist/sexual health expert.