Ask A Sex Goddess: Why Can't I Orgasm?

 
Answers to all your burning questions, both literal and metaphorical.

Answers to all your burning questions, both literal and metaphorical.

Our first "Ask A Sex Goddess" column kicks off with questions about Big O woes, so-called "bed death," and breaking down the Tinder barrier. 

Alexandra Roxo knows a thing or two about what can be gleaned from poking and prodding the "sacred sex" sphere. At age 12, she began her studies of auras and chakras whilst simultaneously studying the Bible in the South, and Catholicism in Brazil.

And while she spent the subsequent decades as a filmmaker, garnering attention from publications like Vogue, The New York Times, as well as working as a coach, one thing has always remained a constant: She's all about exploring and promoting women's sexuality in an all-things-are-possible, magical and shame-free way. 

First on the docket to kick off our "Ask A Sex Goddess" column? The complex nature of orgasms, a how-to on reigniting your sexual charge, and getting to a place of IRL intimacy in the age of digital dating.

Have a question for Alexandra? Ask 'em HERE for a chance to have them answered.

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I know there’s a lot of conflicting information out there about how many women are and aren't able to have orgasms during sex. I'm 28 years old, and I've been with nine different partners. Never had an orgasm with any of them, and the only sure thing is my vibrator. I know I'm not supposed to blame myself, but it's really difficult to stay away from the idea that something might be wrong with me. Please halp!

-Orgasm-less in Oregon


Hello, my dear.  

First, I want to say I hear you, and I know this sucks big time. It may make you feel lesser than your friends, or like something is wrong with you, or generally add an air of “yuck” each time you show up to a new sexual encounter. Society basically says, “If you can’t moan and groan in ecstasy like a porn star, then WTF is wrong with you?”  But it's way more complicated than that.

The good news is that you can come, as you’ve already discovered! Broadening the context may take some time and effort, but I promise there is hope. When we wanna open and soften to the best orgasms ever, we need to have some kind of trust in place with the person, and the right headspace to “let go.”

Why is it like this for some women and others not? Well, we all have different needs—different things that need to happen to open the gates, so to speak. Some people can totally have an orgasm but have it be disconnected from all emotions. And some women just cannot fake that. There’s no right or wrong.

If you're having a sexual relationship with someone you would like to keep exploring, make an active effort to start building trust with them. Then get out of your head! Your focus on having an orgasm may very well be a thing that’s preventing you from coming. Try giving head while you receive pleasure from a hand. Or keeping yourself busy.

Lastly, consider bringing the vibrator into the bedroom; your body is trained to come with it, so maybe it’s worth trying to retrain it with your partner involved in some way. It’s a good starting place, anyhow. And lastly, read books, get curious, explore your orgasm! Good luck.  

And P.S. I was like you until age 22, and now I’m able to have all the O’s. Don’t give up — there’s still a lot of in your future! :) And remember, you can always seek the advice of experts if you want closer guidance and strategies.
 

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My girlfriend and I have been together for seven years, and she's the greatest person I know. We still make each other laugh every day, and love spending time together. So I'm not sure why I don't feel like having sex anymore. I'm pretty happy at work and in my day-to-day in general, so I don't suspect it's depression related, and I'm not on any medications that might mess with my sex drive. What's going on with me, and what can I do to reignite that spark—not just between my partner and I, but in myself?

-Stagnant in Syracuse

Hello, SiS.

Let’s help you get over the hump! First off, ignore the evil people that talk about “bed death.” That term is dramatic! It’s just something that happens over time, when two people merge, become very similar, and lose polarity. And yes, it has happened to me. I had an ex-girlfriend that started sharing clothes and even underwear with me, and needless to say, the “charge” was dissipated over time.

Imagine if your car won't start, and so you go to jump the battery. What happens when you put “plus” on “plus?” Zilch. What happens when you put “minus” on “plus?” It creates a charge! In relationships, things can become “neutral” over time and lose that charge. But the good news is that there is nothing wrong with either of you; it's simply time to jump that car battery and be magnets for each other again.

First off: Spend time alone. Cultivate your own social life, hobbies, etc. When our lives circle around our partner, we lose charge. We miss that opportunity to come home and say, ”OMG, I went bouldering and my knuckles are bloody! It was fucking great!” in which case our partner sitting on the couch would immediately be interested—turned on, even! When we create our own social lives, interests and curiosities, we bring a charge into the space.

Second: Stop processing. Maybe even stop talking about why you aren't having sex, and just be in the present moment for a while. When we process, we are processing the past and are therefore tempted to live in the past. Stay in the present. There is charge there.

Third: Shake it up. What lights you up? Your partner? Make some choices that create magnetism. If you have a male partner, commit to playing with sex on the polar opposite sides of the spectrum. If you are in a queer relationship, can you play with gender roles in the bedroom? Bring more of your fantasies in?

Last, but not least: Even though it’s been seven years, find a way to live each day like it could be your last together. Get to know your idea of mortality. Let it be a fire in your belly. A reason to keep looking and feeling fucking hot. A reason to want to fuck. Cause the world could be ending any moment. Don’t get comfortable. Find ways to get out of the comfort zone. Take a class together. Ban Netflix if you have to. Explore BDSM if you want to. And with your partner, ask yourself “What would I need to be turned on every day with them?” Then, don’t tell them but inspire that thing in them. It’s an art, and you can give that to the relationship.  

Let this be an adventure back to yourself, your sex and your passion. Let go of anything in your life that stands in the way of that. Find ways to keep the mundane out. My fave psychologist Esther Perel suggests an using email account for house business and boring shit so you don’t have to talk about that stuff. Treat your time together like food that feeds your soul.

Excited for you! Have fun!

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I recently started dating a guy I met on Tinder. We spent a good month texting back and forth before we ever met, and it was really fun and exciting. Now we've been seeing each other IRL for about a month, and it's still going in a good direction, but I'm a little concerned about how we interact sexually. We both suddenly seem to get shy when it comes down to it—like, I have a hard time looking him in the eye, and I'd say the same is true for him. I feel like with all this emphasis on communicating digitally, we lost some of that natural intimacy that comes with meeting someone in person. How can I bring some of that to the table without it seeming super forced?

-Awkward Offline


Hi, A.O.

Ooh! What a beautiful place to be in! It actually sounds super sexy—like all possibilities are there. Which is great.

So, first off, let’s be real. Digital communication can offer a false sense of intimacy, and it's great you saw and paid attention to that immediately. For some people, between porn, Tinder, and video games, the level of IRL communication can get a little dim without people even realizing it. But there is always hope.

Lead the way with him. Not by explaining what you want or need, but by showing him what you want. Sometimes our partners need some training and we must be super clear. So, say you are in bed together and he does something you like; make it very clear you like it. Say “yes,” or, “I love that,” or just moan loudly. It may feel kinda silly at first, but trust me, he will register in real time: Oh! She likes it when I bite her nipples!

When it comes to eye contact, well, this is key to great sex, IMHO. So I want you to practice that with him.  Intimacy is there, in the eyes. If you are sexing without that, it's not going to create a good foundation.  What would happen if you stared into his eyes? I know, I know, it can feel a bit intense sometimes, especially when the charge is strong. But the key is to breathe. Stay with it. It can make the sex and intimacy so, so hot and deep.  

And let things build over time. No need to hop into bed if you can’t look into his eyes without feeling awkward as hell. Do some other bonding things. Go rock climbing together. Do something that spikes adrenaline and makes you feel bonded. Show him your heart. Are you a writer? Artist? Botanist? Show him what you care about. That creates intimacy—real intimacy. Not fake intimacy, where it's like, “Cool, I've had my penis in you, so we must be close now.” Unfortch, that's not the case! And I totally hear you; it can feel lonely and isolating to be sexually intimate and have no emotional intimacy to back it up at times.

If you let the intimacy build, the sexual intimacy is going to get even better. Get to know each other deeply, let yourselves open gently, and that eye contact will become something really beautiful. Good luck!

Alexandra Roxo works with clients one on one in person/online and is hosting this event and this event on Conscious Love + Sex in LA this month. 

For further information relating to your sexual health, be sure to personally consult with your doctor or a registered sexologist/sexual health expert.

Words: Alexandra Roxo
Photos: GIPHY