Vagina Highlighter Exists Now And OMG Throw It In The Fire
Your vagina doesn’t need an iridescent hue, but that hasn’t stopped one company from trying to convince you.
Is my vagina ‘normal’ looking? Does it smell bad? Is the color weird? These are questions pretty much every cisgender female has asked themselves at some point, if not repeatedly, from the age of about 12 onward. And they’re questions the beauty industry has answered with an enthusiastic “No!” “Yes!” and “Yes!” respectively.
The latest patriarchal attempt to shame women into body-shaming submission, IMO? Vagina highlighter! Although the company flogging it doesn’t call it that. God forbid we say the “V word” out loud.
The Perfect V's Shades of V Very V Luminizer, as it is officially known, is a highlighter for your special, delicate lady parts that promises "luminious iridescent color" and the minimization of (gasp) imperfections.
Look, I’ll be honest. The idea of a radiant glow emanating from my underwear is a pretty fabulous one. Dropping pant and blinding someone with the bright, luminous glow of my own vagina? Sounds fun.
But something tells me the female-owned company behind the Scandinavian Shades of V Very V Luminizer are not going for glittery, camp outrageousness. It's implicity more “Your vagina’s discolored and you should be ashamed of yourself.”
"We wax it, sugar it, shave it, pierce it, tattoo it, dye it, monogram it—and sometimes even sunbathe it and after all that we expect it to remain beautiful?" the company asks in a statement on their website. "The delicate skin on our face and décolleté receives our attention day and night after far less strenuous treatment, but when it comes to our V—forget it.”
Hmmm, yes. Seems legit. I totally trust a company that can’t even bring themselves to type the word “vagina” with my vagina.
And if the body-shaming and prudish language isn’t enough to convince you to that this product should be thrown in the fire immediately, ponder this! The University of Iowa’s Hospitals and Clinics department recommends no one use feminine hygiene products, douches, or perfumed soaps and gels—let alone cosmetics—on the vulva.
There’s a healthy level of natural bacterias and pH levels in the vagina and it’s best not to mess with them. And your unachievable beauty standards? Into the fire!
Words: Jerico Mandybur