Millennials Everywhere Are Furious With This Job Listing

 Do you  love  being belittled? We know just the place.

Do you love being belittled? We know just the place.

Here's your opportunity to land the terrible arts job your parents always warned you about. 

There’s a certain type of news morsel that fits into a very specific category of “Is someone trying to start a knock-off version of The Onion?” This week, it’s a job listing coming out of the Tea House Theatre in London.

The call for an office administrator quickly made the rounds on Tuesday, with many online pointing out why it’s offensive to treat whole swaths of people like they can’t be certain their fingers aren’t really just a bunch of soft carrots.

Here's the advertisement in full:

Offensive? OK, sure. Or is it perfect? I mean, there are so many bold, never-before-seen moves in there, starting with a syntactically incomprehensible first sentence.

Whoever wrote this has since taken it down, but the dude’s engaged in the arts, so he’s probably sitting in a musty theatre office somewhere like, "HELLO HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF DRY HUMOR IT’S BRITISH."

While there’s no way we can be absolutely certain, context clues have led me to believe that this is 100% what’s going on. He demonstrated an expert-level use of rhetorical questioning by posing the question “Are you just not taught anything about existing in the real world, where every penny counts?”

Though I will say, he missed an excellent opportunity for shouty caps. How much more effective would it have been to go with “ARE YOU JUST NOT TAUGHT ANYTHING ABOUT EXISTING IN THE REAL WORLD, WHERE EVERY PENNY COUNTS,” or “ONE OLD LADY USED TO RUN THE WHOLE OF MOUNTAINVIEW ACADEMY WITH AN IBM COMPUTER, IT SHOULDN’T BE THIS HARD.” 

Still, the decision to deliberately use a period where there should in fact be a question mark (in the “real world” question) was a tremendous risk and it paid off big time. James Joyce-levels of punctuation trolling.

I’d also like to just issue a thank-you at this point for gifting aspiring career-climbers everywhere with the phrase “The absolute dogs in office skills.” It’s a goddamn gem and I am definitely putting that on my next resume once I figure out how to calculate a sum in Excel.

And lastly, this man deserves kudos for coming up with the most accurate linguistic articulation of the *mic drop* to date by signing off with “We have not been impressed so far.” It’s perfect and you know it. 

The fact that no one wants to work with this comedic mastermind seems puzzling, especially considering the fortitude living in London on a 15,000-pound salary would surely build.

But keep the faith, Tea House Theatre. I think you’ll be surprised by the vigorousness of millennials if you log onto Twitter today. 

Words: Deena Drewis
Photo: Daria Kobayashi Ritch