Ask A Sex Goddess: My Partner's Porn Habit Is Killing My Mojo

 
Got a sexy sex question? We've got the answers.

Got a sexy sex question? We've got the answers.

"Ask A Sex Goddess" is back for its monthly installment, wise ones. Cue quandaries about orgasms, asexuality, and the role of sex in your everyday life.

Alexandra Roxo is our guide to exploring and promoting women's sexuality in an all-things-are-possible, magical and shame-free way, and she's here to answer some of your most burning questions, both literally and figuratively.

Nothing's off limits, bb, so send your biggest sex-related quandaries HERE for a chance to have them answered by our resident Sex Goddess.

Since recently learning my boyfriend enjoys watching porn—mostly women masturbating—I haven’t been able to orgasm, which is rare for me! Knowing he has all those images in his head makes me picture him *viewing* those images in his head while he’s with me. And it’s a total turn off. Help! How can we move past this?

— Perturbed By Porn

Hi, PBP.

I totally get how this may be stressful for you. It creates comparisons and can feel like a betrayal, making you question everything—hence, not wanting to open your body to orgasm with him. Our bodies connect to our hearts and energy, and when shit is hitting the fan or we are angry or hurt, our orgasm can be like, "Nah, I am not coming out for him!" (Pun intended.)

First things first: Let's remember this isn't necessarily personal. The fact that he loves to watch women come is understandable. It's pretty much one of the coolest things to watch, and I agree with him that it's fascinating and beautiful. 

But I also totally hear you when you say it's messing with your head, hurting your feelings, and turning you off. Here are a few things to play with so you can find out what feels best to you:

  1. If you're up for it, try watching that porn with him and incorporating it into your foreplay. Then, ask that he play with something that turns you on, too, as part of your erotic exploration together. This will help you both better understand each others' desires.

  2. Nurture the idea within yourself that everyone deserves solo play time—including you, of course! Go down your own path of erotic exploration. This can be tough work, but it's can also be super rewarding and beneficial for your sexual relationship.

  3. Have an honest conversation: Tell him that it bothers you and why, and try and find another outlet for erotic play together.

It's your adventure to explore and find out what works for you. I had an ex who loved really "taboo" porn. And I could have shamed her or been grossed out. But I honored her as her own human and knew it had nothing to do with me, even though I did not want to see.

Eventually, we found things we both liked to watch once in a while. And I accepted her because she was just so amazing in other ways, and it brought us closer.  

Look at it as a quest, a new chapter, a necessary shift into more fun and tricky and rich territories for the two of you. Who knows what will happen! Have fun opening a new door.

I am married to my first boyfriend, first sexual partner, first everything. We have been together for 12 years, and I am his first everything as well. You would think this is a fairy tale, and in many ways it is. Just not in the sack.

My husband is a great encourager, tries to make me happy in bed, and listens to my needs. He seems to do everything right in bed, but I am just not connecting. I love him, but am starting to think there is more to this. I have never been a sexually charged or motivated person. I even joked about becoming a nun when I was younger for that very reason.

I don't know if it is based in my own insecurities and lack of self esteem or if there is something more to this. I read about asexuality and it fits, but not quite like a glove. What do I do from here? 

— Sexually Stagnant

Oh, SS! I see you. I feel you. I hear you. It could be a phase, or it may be that you're asexual. Or you could just not be a person that is turned on by traditional sex. Perhaps you're just yet to discover the thing that lights your fire.

Sometimes, simplicity hits the spot (OMG, another sex pun), but sometimes simplicity can be flat out boring and just not what you want. You may be about to embark on your most thrilling mission to date: Trying everything possible to find what turns you on!

Is it roleplay? Bondage? Exhibitionism? The possibilities are endless, vast, and delicious. Grab books. Watch films. Explore! I would advise you not give up on yourself as a sexual being just yet. It can take a while to find the things that toot your whistle; it took me years, for instance, to understand my desire for submission. My love of pain. My desire for sex as theatre and ritual.

We are complex beings. Don't give up just cause you haven't found it yet. When you find it, you will be finding a part of you and it's gonna feel delicious.

But above all else, let this journey be your own, without feeling like you have to please anyone or push yourself to any place you're not comfortable. Be gentle on yourself as you open these parts of yourself that maybe have never seen the light. Be sweet to yourself and realize that pretty much everyone is some sort of "freak" at heart. 

If you can’t find anything that feels fun, take a breather and come back to it again from another angle. Remember that nothing is too weird or bizarre. Finding even one little hint of what turns you on is a good start for something. Water that little seed gingerly and with love.

If and when you feel it’s time, ask your hubbie to join. He may just love it when you top him, or whip out a whip, or talk dirty to him, or put on a kitten costume. Enjoy the journey together! 

A year ago, I left a sexless partnership that had almost entirely extinguished my sense of feminine and sexual energy. It was crushing to me, as an Aphrodite babe.

After the breakup, the internal flame was reignited by a friend and—wham. A year of wild, indulgent, sexy indulgence followed. This culminated in a summer of travel, foreign lovers, food and dancing.

All these experiences, as well as reuniting with a past lover, have left me thinking hard about the role of sex in my everyday and spiritual life. Now I'm embracing a period of celibacy.

Do you have any advice on how to redirect our sexual energy while consciously taking a break from others?

— Celibacy Socrates

Hello, CS.

Oh, honey! It's like you just wrote out pages from my diary. I so know where you're at. The delicate balance of sensuality, sexuality, spirit, work, life, playing at the edge—it can get really wild and tough to manage at times.

I honor your space for celibacy, as I have done the same before. With every rule I set myself, I ask, "Is this creating a contraction in me? Or an opening?" If it's contracting me, I know it's from fear and not love. If the "rule" or boundary is creating an opening, then that's dope! I say go for it.

Also, I always check in as to where programming and conditioning around the body—as well as sex and shame—are at for me as I make a rule. Sometimes when we get deep into pleasure, we recoil, thinking, "I’m not allowed this much pleasure! I don't deserve it! It's too much." It can be a totally unconscious thing.

I always ask myself in the moments I think perhaps I need to take a pleasure or sex break: "Is my work suffering or thriving? My health? My mental state? Can I hear my intuition?" And when I check in with all that, I can see if I've gone too far or not. Or if I’m just bouncing from extreme to extreme and truly need to focus on balance, rather than polar opposition.

But of course, you know yourself best. During a period of celibacy, I recommend exercise, creative pursuits, volunteer work, and dancing as ways to channel and share that fire and thirst. And if your time can include masturbation, that can be a beautiful way to open and magnetize yourself. Invite Aphrodite (or any other icons or deities) to be there with you. You may find the orgasms out of this world.

I *love* hearing the depth of your practice and search. Yes, yes, yes, my kindred spirit sexy lady! Keep shining in the world.

Alexandra Roxo works with clients one on one in person/online and can be found here and here.

For further information relating to your sexual health, be sure to personally consult with your doctor or a registered sexologist/sexual health expert.

Words: Alexandra Roxo